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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
From: Sargent Smegma DGPU Special Ops Unit Commander
Date: May 8th, 2017
Subject: The Arrest of Biggus Discus

On January 3rd of 2017 we became aware of a cartoon character a/k/a Biggus Discus, Esquire, attempting to grow the sport of disc golf by spreading propaganda, primarily on disc golf courses and locations leading up to disc golf courses. For 5 months we have chased this douche bag from La Mirada to Atlanta. We got a tip that lead us to set up a sting operation in Alpharetta at one of Atlanta’s oldest disc golf courses that he played as a little discus back in the 1990’s.

We set up our operations center in one of the stables by hole #8. 635 motion detector cameras with infrared technology were deployed. We bought 5 new trash cans from Smuckmart and distributed them throughout the park. At approximately 4:25 PM we noticed the suspect appear on the first tee pad out of the blue. We did not have any footage of him arriving by car or otherwise. It was like he just appeared out of thin air.

He reached up to his chin and ripped his face off and threw it at the basket, yet his face did not change at all. He still had that stupid CHEENGZ eating grin that he had before he ripped his face off. The disc he threw hit the metal pole and then bounced into the creek. Then the subject was observed to pull 9 more discs off his face, all of them bouncing off the basket until his last throw, number 10, which went straight in and hung diagonally in the chains. He broke into this weird hypnotic dance and laughed saying “Put me down for a 10.”

We continued to observe the suspect moving through the course greeting other players. When he was slowing someone down or witnessed someone new in the sport he tossed them a mini disc and gave them a hug. Each disc had some hippy love shit written on it like Enjoy Being or Enjoy Living. This guy had to go down.

On hole 12 one of his discs went into the creek and we saw him pull this card out from behind his face and hide it in an erosion pocket. Upon inspection we found it was one of his stupid Cheat Scheetz – I think it was the “This Is Not OB” card. He continued down the course and then on 16 threw his Katana blizzard into the biggest patch of privet you ever saw. Again we saw him pick up his disc, pull a card from behind his face and toss it under some leaves near his lie. He then walked out of the privet about 3 steps and resumed his game. It was a Give Me 3 Steps card – unbelievable – he is not only a vandal he is a cheater too. But I have to give him credit – instead of surrendering his Cheat Scheetz card to the kitty for the round he left it behind and reported his score accurately on his card.

Finally, at 17 we caught him applying 2 CHEENGZ stickers to a trash can liner. That is when we apprehended the subject and took him into custody.

Folks you have to understand this guy is a real piece of work – a Class 11 Disc Golf Addict on a scale that only goes to 5. He has an unlimited supply of discs for a face and he encourages other people to play in the sport.

I do not know how many of you have seen the terrifying issues surrounding Disc Golf Addiction – it is not pretty. Once people hear the CHEENGZ of the chains for the first time, let me just say it is worse than tobacco infused with morphine. It is destroying our employment rating and families nationwide. Once a person gets hooked on disc golf they start calling in sick for work, ruin their relationships with their loved ones, and wind up saying shit like “nice” and “sweet” and “aced it bro”. At this point, they have nothing left to contribute to society and wind up forming their own little disc golf communities filled with love and friendship. It makes me want to puke.

So the good news is we have shut this character down. As a cartoon, he has no constitutional rights. We are sending him down to the psych ward and will update you all as necessary.You can all rest comfortably tonight. Your communities are safe once again. Biggus Discus is going nowhere.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
From: Mrs. Distance Discus
Date: May 8th, 2017
Subject: The Arrest of Biggus Discus

Last night my husband, Biggus Discus, Esq. was arrested and charged with 347,832 counts of vandalism on disc golf courses across the entire US. The Disc Golf Prevention Unit (DGPU) conducted special operations last night at Wills Park in Alpharetta in a sting operation to catch Biggus and lock him up indefinitely. The DGPU bought 5 new trash cans from Smuckmart and placed them around the course. At around 3:30 PM Biggus was watching TV when he smelled the scent of fresh plastic, grabbed his bag and headed to the park.

DGPU agents set up surveillance cameras around the park and captured footage of Biggus giving minis away to beginners and hiding cheat scheetz on the course. Agents found at least 1 Mulligan card and one Gimme 3 Steps card hidden like immunity idols on survivor. They laid in wait as he approached his first trash can. As he finished tagging the liner agents dropped the nets on him, tossed him to the ground and dragged him away in their armored personnel carrier.

They have not let him use the phone or have access to an attorney. He hid his cell phone behind his disc so he is able to sneak a tweet from time to time. You can follow him using the handle @BiggusDiscus

Basically the DGPU has said that since he is a cartoon character he really does not have any constitutional rights whatsoever. The DGPU is expected to release their report later this afternoon. We are asking everyone to please pray for Biggus and send him some positive energy by getting out on a course near you to hit some aces, eagles and birdies. I will update you when more information is available. #FREEBIGGUSDISCUS

Thanks for all your love and support!

Mrs. Distance Discus